he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
