I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize