Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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