if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Randomize
