the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
