I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
