here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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