my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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