When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
