i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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