you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
