I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
