dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
