Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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