if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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