I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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