I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
