That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
