I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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