sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
