My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
