i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
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Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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