Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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