We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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