I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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