I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
