my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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