Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
