and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
