Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
