I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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