Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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