Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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