Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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