i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
