I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
