Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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