the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
