My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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