Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
