Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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