He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
