the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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