Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
