You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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