I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
