my vag is so smooth its legendary
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
