textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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