rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
