there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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