Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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