I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
