I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
