Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
