When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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